Guide to cat classified ads

November 7, 2007

Barn Cat Prospect ……. Big fast cat

Mouser Prospect ……. Small fast cat

Lap Cat Prospect ……. Fat lazy cat

Indoor/Outdoor Cat ……. Fast sneaky cat

Flashy ……. White on body

Attractive ……. Tabby

Small ……. Hard to find

Large ……. Always under foot

To Loving Home Only ……. Expensive

To Show Home Only ……. Very expensive

Needs Experienced Handler ……. Potentially lethal

Elegant ……. Thin

In Good Condition ……. Not dead

Free Moving ……. Bolts out the door

Quiet ……. Old

House Pet Type ……. Lame, deaf, and blind

Loves Children ……. Scratches and bites

Munchkin Type ……. Small and hairy

Bombay Type ……. Looks startled

Singapura Type ……. Looks terrified

Cheshire Type ……. Fat

Persian Type ……. Big and hairy

Maine Coon Type ……. Big and exceedingly hairy

Easy To Catch ……. Very old

Must Sell ……. Wife has left home and taken the┬ákids

All Offers Considered ……. I am in traction for 6 months

Cats’ Rights

November 7, 2007

1. We have the right to remain silent. Or not. Depends on how we feel at the moment.

2. We have the right to stick our furry toes and noses where they do not belong, especially in bowls containing ice cream, tuna fish, or any other good smellin’ concoction.

3. When exercising Right Number Two, we have the right to look at you and say, “Where’s mine? What do you mean ‘get down’? You didn’t mean that. I know you didn’t….”

4. We have the right to attack any person’s eyes who might be experiencing REM sleep, tickle their noses and faces with our whiskers, and, if this does not produce the desired result, climb under the covers, locate the toes of said human, and delicately (yet, forcefully) gnaw.

5. Hairballs. Anywhere we want. So there.

6. We have the right to sit, innocently, in front of things which may be distracting you such as books, televisions, radios, and computer screens.

7. See Number Five. So there.

8. We MAY tease the dog. And laugh.

9. WE have the right to privacy in our own bathrooms. You do not.

10. Pills? Baths? You must be joking …. We reserve the right to bathe the bather, and cheek the pills. NYAH!

11. You love us. We know that you do. We demand that you do so, even when you find the result of Right Number Five inside of your favourite slippers.

12. We may openly ignore you. It is the way things are. Did you say something?

13. We have the right to consider such repugnant words as “no”, “naughty”, and “vet” as nothing more than unreasonable and inconsequential human outbursts that mean nothing. Nothing at all.

14. All raised butts must be scratched no matter what you’re doing. Failure to do so will result in a head butt like you’ve never experienced in your entire life. Trust us.

15. We have the right to make you feel responsible when we break something, like GreatGram’s candy dish.

16. We have the right to change our minds 20 times a day about our food. Iams? Friskies? Eukanuba? How about the dog’s food, instead….

17. We reserve the right to make you jealous by pouring our affections on those who may not deserve it at the time, such as your spouse, significant other, the cable guy, the kids, and your mother-in-law.

18. We have the right to expect you to throw ‘sparkle balls’ or any other object we think is interesting — even if it is your Mickey Mouse watch — for us to retrieve and expect you to continue until we are tired of the game, no matter what you were doing.

19. We have the right at the show hall, or when you have people visiting the cattery, to ceremoniously flop on our heinies, lift our back legs, and dutifully scrub our nether regions as you try to masterfully distract us, only to have to give up and switch the conversation from how elegant and regal we are, to how fastidious we are. We are laughing on the inside. You should be, too.

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Cat Humour

August 15, 2007

By cartoonist Jerry King.

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